Monthly Archives: February 2010

Whilst sitting at the Baron last night with my friends, the topic of conversation inevitably turned to men and relationships. Jen was still in recovery stage from her new-found man of her dreams, having to return to Australia – where he lived. Wondering of her luck, none of us could figure out how it is that the only good guy she’s met in the past year, would be the one who lived on another continent.

I, myself,  mused quietly to myself as to my similar predicament. My only “true love” – real life’s version of Carrie’s Mr. Big – had been the major share holder in the stocks of my heart for the past four years – and had also chosen to study in America. Great. The possibility of seeing him every American summer – three months right, smack, in the middle of my year – was one that, whilst not being conducive to a relationship; still manages to remind me he has my heart – and that it get’s broken when he has to go back.

The only other guy ever able to make me feel anything close to what my Mr. Big did, also doesn’t live in the same city as me. No, not even in the same province. This man, whom we’ll term Mickey Blue Eyes, lives in Durban and studies in Grahamstown – meaning that most of the year ’round, he is never more than 969km away from me.

As I got to thinking about this series of what would seem bad luck, I began to question. Were Jen and I romantically challenged, or was there more to it? As the author of the novel “The Man of Feeling” states: “For, as I well know, the most effective and lasting subjugations are based on pretence or, indeed, on something that has never existed… or on something unfulfilled.” Where was the line? Where was the “man of my dreams” quality in these men actually real – and when did it cross over to the realm of our own imaginations?

Having thought myself more than able to do a long-distance relationship with either my version of Mr. Big, or Mickey Blue Eyes, I realised one thing. When we were in the same cities as one another, we rarely managed to get a stable relationship going. Granted, Mickey Blue Eyes and I had only ever met four *magical* times, but in the case of my Mr. Big, we’d literally been on and off for four years. And if we couldn’t get it right after that amount of time, then how were we ever going to bridge the gap of oceans and continents that stood between our significantly different lifestyles?

So, whilst I believe that I could make a long-distance relationship work, I’m willing to admit that there need be a stable basis for the relationship first. As for being romantically challenged, only time will tell. I can’t find it in myself to give up hope on Mickey Blue Eyes – nor do I know how not to love Mr. Big when he returns to South Africa. I guess there is nothing more true than time will tell…

1. If a sane guy likes you, there ain’t nothing that’s gonna get in his way. And if he’s not sane, why would you want him?

2. All these years, I’d been complaining about men and their mixed messages. Now I saw they weren’t mixed messages at all, I was the one that was mixed up.

3. Knowledge is power and more importantly, knowledge saves time.

4. We are all beautiful, smart, funny women and we shouldn’t be wasting our time figuring out why a guy isn’t calling us.

5. We’re taught in life, we should try to look at the bright side, to be optimistic. Not in this case. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not the exception. It’s intoxicatingly liberating.

6. We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they’re behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, rather than one explanation that’s the truth: he’s just not that into me.

7. If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you and you feel the need to start “figuring him out”, please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then go free yourself and find the one that is.

8. Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted. And unless you do move on and find the right person, you’re not going to wish you had spent more time with Stinky the Time-Waster or Freddy Can’t-Remember-to-Call.

9. When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you and when it’s time to have sex, he’s more than overjoyed to oblige.

10. Men are not complicated. Although they’d like us to think they are…

11. If a dude isn’t calling you when he says he will, or making sure that you know he’s dating you, then you already have your answer. Stop making excuses for him. His actions are screaming the truth: He’s just not that into you!

12. You know you deserve to have a great relationship.

13. I know the guy you’re dating. He is a man made up entirely of excuses and the minute you stop making excuses for him…he will completely disappear from your life.

14. Are there men who are too busy or have been through something so horrible that it makes it hard for them to get involved? Yes. But there are so few of them that they should be considered urban legends.

15. A man would rather be trampled by elephants that are on fire than tell you that he’s just not that into you.

16. People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love. Big movies are made about it. Every relationship that you admire bursts with a greatness that you hope for in your life. And the more you value yourself, the more chances you have of getting it.

17. If a guy wants you, he will find you.

18. Guys don’t mind messing up a friendship if it could lead to sex, whether it be a “fuck buddy” situation or a meaningful romance.

19. If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know immediately. He won’t keep you guessing because he’ll want to make sure you don’t get frustrated and go away.

20. When men want you, they do the work, I know It sounds old school but when men like women, they ask them out.

21. Have faith. You made an impression. Leave it at that. If he likes you, he’ll still remember you after the tsunami, flood or Red Sox loss. If he doesn’t, he’s not worth the time.

22. Men for the most part, like to pursue women. They like knowing if they can catch us. They feel rewarded when they do, especially when the chase is a long one.

23. When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you’d like us to be.

24. If you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten…He’s just not that into you.

25. We don’t need to scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask us out. We’re fantastic.

26. If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

27. He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you, Men know how to use the phone.

28. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. This would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.

29. Oh sure, they say they’re busy. They say that they didn’t even have a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just THAT crazy. Bullshit. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you.

30. A man who likes you want to spend time with you. And he’ll only settle for talking to you on the phone 5x a day when he can’t possibly get on a plane to come see you.

31. Don’t you want the guy who’ll forget about all the other things in life before he forgets you?

32. You know a guy means it when they actually do what they said they were going to do.

33. Missing someone is a sign of a healthy relationship. Not respecting you need to have some for of communication with him while he is away is not. Regardless of his dislike for talking on the phone, he should respect and care for you enough to call you if only because he knows that it will make you happy.

34. Men are never too busy to get what they want.

35. Meeting someone you like and dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse.

36. The next incredible guy you meet with the really good excuse is just another guy who’s hurting your feelings.

37. A man has got to have his priorities.

38. If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind.

39. If he creates expectations for you and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize he’s ok with disappointing you.

40. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs.

41. Busy is another word for asshole. Asshole is another word for the guy you’re dating.

42. Men, just like women, want to feel emotionally protected when a relationship becomes serious. One way they do that is by laying claim to it. They actually want to say “I’m your boyfriend” or “I’d like to be your boyfriend”. A man who’s really into you is going to want you all to himself.

43. Is better than nothing what we’re going for now? Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time? Just because he’s busy doesn’t make him more valuable. Busy doesn’t mean better.

44. Its about the guy who wants you, calls you, makes you feel sexy and desired fully. He wants to see you more and more often because every time he sees you, he likes and then loves you more and more.

45. Every 2 weeks, once a month. Seeing someone, having a little love and affection may help you through the day, or the week or the month, but will it help you get through a lifetime?

46. Make this solemn vow about your future romantic relationships: No more murky. No more gray. No more unidentified. No more undeclared.

47. I don’t want to be “sort of dating” someone. I don’t want to be “Kind of hanging out” with someone. I don’t want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I’ll see again because they’ve already demonstrated to me that they’re trustworthy and honorable and…into me.

48. You know you are ultimately a delicate, valuable creature who should be careful and discerning about who gets your affection.

49. You can accept his excuses all you want but is this the relationship you want? Is this how you want to feel? Perhaps forever?

50. If you’re tempted to spend countless nights just cuddling with someone, buy a puppy.

51. Don’t let your desire to be loved and feel affection cloud your judgment.

52. He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you. Love cures commitment phobia.

53. Don’t give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you.

54. If you’re not able to love freely, it’s not really love.

55. No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

56. A good relationship should not be lived in secrecy. Go find yourself one worth living out loud.

57. He’s a man who’s supposed to be emotionally available enough to talk to you, see you and perhaps fall madly in love with you

58. If he is really into you, he will get over his issues fast and make sure he doesn’t lose you. The minute he’s ready, he will run out and find you. You are not easily forgettable.

59. It feels really noble and romantic, to be filled with longing, heartache, knowing the man you love, for whatever reason, can’t be yours right now. And you’re willing to wait for him, because your feelings for him are so very large and profound. If you’re really comfortable with that, noting that this book or your friends or your therapist can say will help you change that. Eventually, I hope, like me, you just get tired of it.

60. Unless he’s all yours, he’s still hers.

61. There are cool, loving, SINGLE men in the world. Find one of them to go out with.

62. As yourself one question only: Is he making you happy?

63. He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family—especially when they’re great.

64. Remember, you are the catch. They are out to snare you.

65. The only way you can find out that there is something better out there is to first believe there’s something out there.

66. Freaks should remain in the circus. Not in your apartment.

67. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another.

68. Don’t let his personal complications confuse you into waiting around for him. If he’s not able to be really into you, then you deserve better.

Having found myself home, after what could easily be termed an “atrocious” audition, I found myself seated infront of the computer, and fired with the urge to write. Perhaps if acting wasn’t my true calling – as this ill-fated audition now lead me to believe – then it was off the stage; out of the theatre; and actually onto the page wherein my talents lay.

Undoubtedly, this resulted from the resounding sense of rejection I felt vibrating through my being. I found myself, however, not wondering at the nature of rejection, but rather wondering at how very similar it’s always felt, despite its context. Dating, I drew the conclusion, could be considered another form of audition – one in which more often than not, “don’t call me, I’ll call you” reverberates to absolutely no ovation, just the slinking away of your self esteem as it tries to leave the auditorium with some form of dignity intact.

So, wherein does the hope lie? Audition after audition, we thespians force ourselves into the routine of learning the lines; attempting to pre-empt the director’s vision; forcing ourselves to believe with every fibre of our being that we ARE what the play needs! We are Desdemona, Juliet, and Hermia! We are the actress that you’ve been looking for, stop the search now! But if there were no rejections, then where would be the marvel in seeing the truly talented actress stand on that stage and do with the role, what our imaginations lead us to believe that we could do. If there were no rejections, then where would be the talent, where would be the stars who stand out from generation to generation and whose every whim leave us in tears, in laughter, and most importantly of all, in love.

The same applies with dating. If there were no rejections, then why wouldn’t we all just settle down with the first man to ask us on a date, and live happily ever after? Because it doesn’t happen that way. Not every actress is made for every role ever written for a woman. We all have strengths, weaknesses, and blocks, which hinder and guide our trajectory on the bumpy path to (what we all hope) fame. Love is just the same. You’ve heard it before, you have to kiss a few frogs before you can land yourself a prince. And whilst yes, it’s the rejections that seem to stand out a lot more – leaving you feeling as though you’re walking around with a giant neon sign, screaming “I WAS JUST REJECTED” for all the world to see. But it’s nothing like that. We fall, because we have to learn how to pick ourselves up again. And only we can set ourselves free to truly let our stars shine…

I believe Paulo Coelho said it best when he stated that: “God uses fire to teach us about water. He uses earth so that we can understand the value of air. He uses death to show us the importance of life.”