Archive

Humans

A broken heart sucks balls. It’s crap. If you asked me to choose between a broken heart and taking my chances with Hannibal, I’d order you to lock me up with the man and throw away the key. But what’s worse than the sheer agony of a broken heart, is having to bear the broken heart in public. If you’re at home, no one minds if you rot in your pyjamas all day, or work your way through every make of tissue, grading them on the efficiency when it comes to tear-wiping and the gentleness of nose-blowing. I don’t know how, but movies feature broken hearted men and women who look relatively decent and who can afford to brave the harsh light of day and not be accused of mimicking the living dead. I am not this fortunate. Not only do my bigger-than-average eyes go bloodshot, thus drawing attention to the leaky make-up streaming down my face (which I only put on in the first place, in an attempt to look somewhat normal), but I also cry. And not politely or delicately either. Oh no. Gone are the days of a ladylike sniffle. I blubber, often resulting in the term “ugly crying” to be used as a description. What follows is my list of the Top 5 worst places in which to have a broken heart.

1. On an airplane
This tops the charts as the ultimate horror setting in which to suffer from a broken heart. Not only are you shoved into the plane in a proximity to strangers than not even sardines in a can could even comprehend, but your sniffles and elephant-like nose blows announce to all on board that there’s need for a serious clean up in aisle 2.

2. The dinner table
Not only does one’s appetite diminish or expand when it comes to a broken heart, but in my friendship group, any dinner table event means one thing and one thing only: repeatedly singly me making an odd number beside an empty place setting at a table full of couples in soon-to-be-wedded bliss. Yikes.

3. On social networks
Let’s face it. It’s just added insult to injury when you end your relationship and several people ‘like’ the notification. But having to relive the loss in every photograph and wall post of the past, just kicks you when you’re down. Do me a favour ex-boyfriend, and stop existing. Delete your account and take all of the pain you’ve caused with you. Oh and running commentary, pipe down. Only asshole ‘like’ that a relationship has ended, for all of the world wide web to see.

4. At university/work
Oh, how sweet! You couldn’t have waited until I got home to rip my heart out! You just had to come and see me at university/work to get it done. In public. And in front of all of my friend/colleagues. Well, that was very kind of you. Why didn’t you just ‘tweet’ me? It’d have been far less degrading than sitting here trying not to fall to pieces as you walk away – and then having to go back to my desk and actually function.

5. Anywhere. At. All.
Well done. You have successfully turned me into a wreck. Love songs make me feel ill and if I see one more RomCom that leads me to believe that I’m the exception and not the rule, I may kill someone. By breaking my heart, you’ve stolen a piece of it that I can never get back. A piece of me that you will always hold until my dying day. So, let me give you some advice for your next endeavour into the world of love – advice I wish someone had given you before me. Giving up is for cowards. If you’re a coward, rather don’t try at all. No, we can’t be friends after you’ve murdered every trace of happiness we ever shared. Honesty is all I ever wanted, no lies or deceit.
And the next time you tell someone you’ll love them forever, just the way they are – mean it.

Advertisements

It’s your loss, I’m afraid. I’ve moved on. And whilst I’d still come running back if you were to look in my general direction with only the slightest hint of longing, I won’t let you know it. Instead I’ll carry out a flawless and evil plan in which you’ll get the message that I’m over you. Although not so clearly that you don’t realise what you’ve lost and come running to my house, begging for me back, with a boombox spouting love songs held up high over your head. Allow me to elaborate on my dastardly ways.

I’ll date. Oh man, will I date. If a man asks, I’m in. And because of the friendship status you’ve allocated to us, I’ll come to you for advice on how to let a man whose fallen for me, down easily. I will date. But I’ll never feel the butterflies I felt for you when I’m getting ready. And my heart won’t skip a beat when he leans in to kiss me. Whenever you kissed me, I could barely breathe. But with these men, my heart may as well have flatlined. And it’ll be your fault, because none of them will kiss me the way that you did, like that night when I fell asleep in the car and you woke me with a kiss that left my brain buzzing. Or all of those times we went on adventures, to mountain tops at midnight with moonlit ocean views. How can any other date ever compare? You’ve ruined it for them all. And for me, too.

I’ll pretend not to care at all. Oh, you didn’t know I still cared? Good. You don’t deserve to. And you won’t. So go ahead and tell me about all of the new women in your life, and when we’re out, why not flirt with the big-breasted blonde? I won’t betray my bleeding heart. Not one tear shall fall upon my
A cup chest. At least, not until I get home, and shut the door as you drive off none-the-wiser. If you don’t care, neither will I. Not out loud, anyway.

I’ll daydream. You don’t know it yet, but I was the best thing you never had. And I’ll daydream about the moment it dawns on you. It’ll be oddly wonderful. This look will come over your face, as if seeing me for the first time… And then you’ll pull me into your arms and promise never to let me go again. And until then I will wait and watch for that light of realisation to flicker in your eyes. I thought I saw it once before, but perhaps it was just a camera flash, or the flame from your lighter, or even the reflection of the moon. Whatever it was, it’d be helpful if you could have the decency to stop blinking, so I that can catch it when it happens, dammit.

I’ll break my own heart. You always said you knew me, but if you did, you’d know how loyally and hopelessly I love. And I know you won’t mean to lead me on, but I’ll find hope in every little thing that you do. And when you finally catch on to what it is I’m doing, and remind me (once more) of how you feel (or don’t feel), my heart will break. Again. And it’ll hurt. Until I resolve once more to win you back. By showing you that I’m over you. Again.

I foster puppies. It’s the same concept as fostering a child, in some ways. The abandoned or abused pups are found, and treated with deworming pills and other things, if need be. We’re then given a call to come and collect them and give them a home for a while. The whole things revolves around ensuring the puppies aren’t sick in any way, before they’re (hopefully) adopted to their new homes, where they’ll be given lives of happiness and love. I am currently fostering two gorgeous little puppies, one of which is 4 weeks and one of which is 6. I’m always delighted and amused by the very strong personalities that accompany each new pup I foster, and it’s no less amusing with these two. Spending all of my days with them, I’ve begun to pick up on a few invaluable trinkets of wisdom from them. I know it may seem surprising, but I feel we’re always able to learn from the various experiences we have, and the people (and animals) that cross our paths. And learning from two creatures that have been on this earth for so short a time, well, let me tell you that it’s humbling, and wonderful. I’ll try to express some of these lessons here.

The most obvious lesson these pups have taught me is that sometimes it’s okay to bark. I mean, not when you’re sharing your food. Barking or growling then is rude, and it just makes others around you not want to be there. But if you’re asleep and your friend bites you on the bum, or you’re playing and they sit on your head, then it’s okay. I know you’re probably not seeing the lesson in this right away, but bear with me. Puppies know what they want. They know when they’re hungry, they know when they want to play and with what, and they know when to bark and say “stop”! In this sense, they know where their own boundaries lie. And we ought to, too. We ought never let anyone push us into a situation or even a space in which we’re not comfortable. But since we’re the only ones who can hold ourselves accountable, and know where these boundaries lie, we need not feel too shy or embarrassed to speak up. Be honest, be loud, be heard.

Play is vital to a happy puppy – and, I feel, to a happy human, too. I admire most the fact that puppies have no sense of past or future. They’re entirely devoted to the now. One minute they’re enthralled with the crunchy leaf outside, and the next the squeaky chew toy has won their attention, and the attention each thing is given is whole and devoted. Now, I’m not saying we need to jump from one thing to another, one person to another, in a minute by minute flurry of activity, but I am saying we need to live in the now. The past has happened, and whilst we need to know where we came from to know where we’re going to, we can’t live in it forever. We need to make peace with it, be thankful for the experiences we’ve had – both good and bad – and then resolve to live. We also can’t exist with a fear of the future. We don’t know what’s coming, we never will. We can hope, wish and pray all we like, but there aren’t any crystal balls or palm lines that’ll let you in on what life has in store. So don’t let fear cripple you. If you spend all of your time worrying and waiting for what might/could/can’t happen, that’s all you end up doing – spend all your time worrying. Rather hope for the best, give life your all, and grab at every opportunity you’re given with both hands. A life half lived is no life for anyone, or anything.

Love. And love a lot. I fetched these puppies from the Haven late Thursday afternoon, and that night they were asleep in my arms. Every morning when I come down, I am greeted by whimpers and wagging tails, licks and nibbles that make me smile. I marvel at how these puppies, abandoned and possibly abused, can love to easily and so honestly. They will love anyone, as long as they’re given the chance to. If you treat them kindly and look after them, make them feel safe, they’re yours for life. I don’t really know if any other animal can love as unconditionally as a puppy. And I’m inspired. We spend our time rationalizing our issues, and finding complications, and reasons not to pursue a loved one or fall in love at all, yet I can’t seem to understand why… With all the horrors of the world, the deaths at the hands of man and at the events of natural disasters; with all the pain and suffering we encounter, why would we so quickly and easily turn down an opportunity to love? A friend, a family member, a lover… All of these people, in our lives, deserve the very best love we have to give them. I know things happen, relationships end and people fall apart, but when you know that the person standing in front of you is someone you could love, and when you know that they are standing there hoping you’ll let them love you, well, I don’t see how any amount of justification can excuse turning it all down. Like the puppies you need to jump in, all paws forward, and just trust it’ll all be okay.

There seem to be all manner of lessons one can learn just by interacting with a puppy, and I’m enjoying finding out just what these lessons can mean for me. At the end of the day, maybe they have it as simple as it needs to be. Eat when you’re hungry, bark when you have something to say, play whenever you get the chance, sleep when you’re tired, and never ever forget to love anyone whose willing to let you.

There comes a time, it seems, in most bloggers’ repertoire of the written word, for them to give up all the answers. They’re required to sit and write down all the answers their lives have produced for them, often at arbitrary age intervals, such as 18, 21, 30 and so on. Well, I’d like to think I’ve learnt a thing or two over my past 23 (and 8 months) worth of existence. At least, I hope I have. However, these things we learn, I feel are somewhat universal truths. We all get to these lessons in the end, whether we’re 21 or 100. These universal truths include things such as: the heart was indeed made to be broken, but the pain won’t last forever, and you will love again. Men think women are complicated, and vice versa. You’ll never forget the first time you fall in love, your first kiss, or the first time you get your heart broken. We’re all travelling along our own paths in life, and we ought to be kind because the people we meet along the way are facing their own demons, just as we face ours. Presidents will screw up; natural disasters will claim innocent lives; and paying your taxes will leave you with a familiar feeling to that of being robbed blind.

What stands out more, for me, are the things I don’t yet know. And it is the 23 that first come to mind that shall be listed, although I’m pretty sure the number of things I don’t know ranks far higher than that (just don’t tell anyone, because I’ve successfully convinced some people that I know everything, and whilst this could be attributed to the fact that I’m a woman, I like to think it’s more personal than that).

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and think “I’ll just tug on these pink things down here, and drink whatever comes out”?

2. Actually, on that note, who was the first person to witness an egg come out of a chicken’s behind and resolve to include it in a big ol’ tasty Sunday breakfast fry up?

3. When will human beings realise that terms such as “endangered,” and “nonrenewable,” mean that whatever noun comes after it, has a finite number still available, and yet we still choose to shoot, use and consume to our heart’s content – and well passed our needs?

4. What’s the deciding factor when it comes to whose armrest is whose in a movie theatre – does it depend on the size of the person or the sharpness of the elbow?

5. Why don’t we have an Idols format based general election, where we are given the opportunity to begin with a bigger candidate base, and whittle it down through a series of tasks that allow us to see exactly what type of President they’ll turn out to be?

6. Is there a “One”?

7. And if there is, do I need to believe that fate will lead us to one another? Because this Earth is a pretty big place, and I sometimes get lost just driving across-country, now I must find one human being whose my perfect match in the whole world!? I wasn’t ever that good at Where’s Wally…

8. On that note, where is Wally and why do we want to find him so badly?

9. Is your IQ indirectly proportioned to how much you enjoy Twilight? i.e. the more you enjoy it, the lower your IQ? (I think I know the answer to this one…)

10. Will we always want what we can’t have, and would we stop if we could have it?

11. If it’s true that Great Minds think alike, and Fools never differ – are all Great Minds Fools?

12. If you expect the unexpected, is the unexpected then expected and the expected unexpected?

13. How come whenever I dial a wrong number, it’s always answered after the first ring and followed by an embarrassing and rather awkward interchange, but when it’s the right number it’s always busy?

14. When did everyone learn to speak and write in SMS language, and what the hell does ‘smh’ mean?! (And how do you all know you’ve got the correct interpretation?!)

15. Who coined the phrase “the alarm just went off,” when in order for it to go off, it needs to come on?

16. Is there such a thing as a love that is equal from both sides, and will I ever find it?

17. Why does the term “break down” refer to things that aren’t working, but “break up” refers to the end of a relationship – surely the relationship wasn’t working, and did, in essence, “break down”?

18. If depression is a leading cause of insomnia, and insomnia is a leading cause of depression, how are you meant to treat it?

19. Am I a hopeless romantic if I can’t let you go, but a hopeful one if I just won’t?

20. Who would we each be if we didn’t have others to tell us?

21. What would you do if you knew you could not fail? (And why won’t you just do it?)

22. If not now, when?

23. Why is the phrase that “life is short” so popular, when in actuality, it is the longest thing you will ever do?

So, there you have it. A mix-and-match hastily compiled list of 23 things I still don’t know… And yet, I’m ashamed to say, I could write so much more. Oh well. To finding answers, living life to the full, and never accepting anything less than butterflies 🙂

Find strength my friend… I know your heart is broken, and you’ve no will to mend it. But you have strength. You have it inside. You needed it to love at all, and to have loved so deeply that your heart is broken takes some of the greatest strength on Earth. We humans are not prone to easily giving away that which we have, least of all our hearts, hopes and dreams. To allow someone access to all that you are, and to give them the chance to be loved by you, took strength. So to mend, find strength, for you will need it over the next few weeks. The pain doesn’t last forever, although it seems it will. The tears, they dry. The lack of sleep will pass, too. And one day, and I promise this, one day it won’t hurt anymore. Speaking simplistically, pain is our body’s way of letting go, and whilst in the depth of it, it is unbearable – but you will survive. The best advice I was ever given, when in the depths of a broken heart, was this: focus on the small things. Allow yourself time, and focus on the small things; the simple things. At first, just getting out of bed is feat seemingly unconquerable. But each time you do so, do so with pride and a head held high. The broken heart within you dissolved your very bones and took from you every bit of strength and will you had. But you got up, today. And it wasn’t that bad. Then take two steps without falling back into the bed from which you just freed yourself, and congratulate yourself. A literal step when hurting, is as good as a metaphorical one, because in the end, we always wind up moving forward, though we may not know what it is we move towards. Then push for three steps, and then four, until one day you’re walking for miles without a single thought to it; each step a tiny testimony to the bravery with which you’ve faced the odds. The same happens with breathing. From the moment your heart is broken, focus on breathing. In and out. In and out. It’s seemingly the most simple thing we can accomplish as human beings, yet when your heart is broken, even this most simple of physiological functions can become impaired. So breathe. Allow yourself to focus on your breaths, even though they’re choked at times with tear and anger and pain from deep within. I know this pain, the one that holds you. It starts at your toes and curls its way around every organ in your body, sitting in your stomach like a pit of lava and clutching at your throat so that words, and breath, seem caught within you. But you’re still breathing. Despite the pain, you’re alive. And it’s this to which you need to cling. Accomplish these seemingly tiny victories without pain, and they’ll become the footholds of stability on your path towards recovery. I know it seems impossible now, but one day the same will happen with loving. Do not rush into it. Allow yourself to grieve. You have lost greatly, and all great losses require great lengths of time for recovery. But you WILL recover. And one day, just as easily as you learnt to walk and breath without pain, you will love without pain, too. And when you look back on all of this, and the person who put you into this painful place, take a moment and thank them, for showing you just how strong you can truly be. For survival of a broken heart is a skill we are not taught, until we’re in the depths of it. Send your past lover gratitude and well wishes, and let them go. Allow them to drift into your past once more, as you take those steps forward, breathing deeply, and moving ever closer towards love.

I’ve found myself avoiding the things that used to give me strength in my sense of self. These things are films and movies where love prevails – even if the path is a little more difficult than the lovers hoped for it to be. I’m avoiding them because I’m scared. I always had these dreams, aspirations and goals – the view that my life would be exciting and filled with love, laughter and happiness. And for the most part it has. Don’t get me wrong, I completely recognize that life is what you make of it… And I’ve learnt the hard way that life is a gift and it can be taken too quickly from us all. So what is it that I have no come to fear? That love (that which I cherish) may not turn out as I had hoped. That we are all just human; so mistakes are inevitable; and I am the rule, and not the exception. You see, the exception, she gets the knight in shining armour, kisses at sunset, and a lover who promises to love her forever no matter what – and it happens. The exception says goodbye to the man she’s in love with because of some extraneous circumstance – and he chases her, and pulls her towards him, whilst whispering in her ear and letting her know that everything IS going to be okay. But if I’m to be honest, and that’s what He’s Just Not That Into You tells me to do… I’m the rule.
I always have been, and will continue to be.
And when you’re the rule, just how much damage are you doing by daring to dream of the exceptions and romance your heart longs for?

Then again, there’s an entirely new way to see it, and He’s Just Not That Into You states it as well…

“I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You’ve think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don’t fall in love that way either. You have not won. You’re alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I’m still a lot closer to love than you are.” – And it’s that, I suppose, that keeps me going. Because I do a lot of “stupid shit”… But I do it with an honest heart, the best intentions, and taking one step closer to love…

Learning who someone really is, can be both the best and worst lesson we have to undertake. Throughout the course of my life, I’ve had the honour – and the heartbreak – of having to relearn this lesson in its many shapes and forms. These lessons have shaped the course of my life, and it’s with bittersweet memories that I’m able to recount its contribution to my life.

I’ve lost many friends to the various in’s and out’s of life’s path. The most recent being the most difficult since his reason for the friendship ending left much to be desired. That being said, his reason was none. That I knew at least. I’d SMS, call, even Facebook chat towards the end, but alas – he wished me a nice life and so I resolve to live it. He was not the friend I believed him to be, not by a long shot. For no friend could punish a friend in the way he has punished me, nor turn any and all care and good done between them into nothing but anger and bitterness. I wish him all the best, but will never be his friend again. And that’s sad. Letting go of friends such as these, special, wonderful, dear friends is hard – most of all when there’s no feasible reason for it – but if there’s one thing I’ve learnt it’s that you can’t MAKE someone love you, or want to be in your life. And if someone wants out, you can’t stop them – well, without resorting to kidnapping that is 😉 a little humour always lightens such topics I find.

Now for the flip side. How is this tumultuous tutoring of people’s real sides ever one of the best things to happen? Well, when you’re left more than a little pleasantly surprised. And this happened with none other than my darling lover. The man with whom I’ve been the happiest woman alive for the past three months. Upon first meeting him, there was no electric connections or love at first sight. I found him abrasive and abrupt. Imagine my surprise then when one intoxicated night spent at the Bohemian allowed me to finally experience those long-over-due butterflies, goosebumps and beaming smiles. Finally getting to know the real him has allowed me to get to know one of the best human beings I’ve ever met, and whose existence brings me happiness each and every single day!

So, to end, I say – may the pleasant surprises be many, and the unpleasant ones few and far between. But for every sadness remember that it’s there to purely make you truly appreciate the happiness when it does come. And I promise you. It will come.