Planet Women

With all the hype around space exploration and Rover on Mars, there’s nothing wrong with re-visiting a little planet that gave life to the species you all know as Women. Now, despite decades of interaction between men and women, there are some discrepancies that still seem to sneak their way into the daily interactions between these cohabiting mammals. What follows is a friendly visitor’s guide for those wishing to venture forth into the realm of women, and not lose their heads – either of them.

We won’t listen to a single compliment you give us, unless it involves the word “beautiful”.
To be fair, this one isn’t entirely our fault. If you look around at the World, and the daily onslaught of images and opinions with which we’re confronted, they all pretty much point to what it is to be a woman – a real woman. And Heaven forbid that you should fall short of the legs-for-days, plump-lipped, big-breasted, curvy-and-sexually-confident super models you all have pinned to your walls in batches of twelve a year, at least. If you look at men’s magazines, they’re all about women. They’re packed to bursting with images of scantily clad young nymphs who’re crawling off the pages to please. And when you look at women’s magazines, once more, they’re also all about women. Sure, a page or two will feature the hottest male model of the month, but the rest of the pages are covered in slim and sexy women whose perfect skin/hair/make-up/figures/insert any variation on the theme here, all glare at us and leave us feeling more than a little frumpy. Our only redeeming grace is the age-old adage, that a man who calls you beautiful is one worth keeping around. So do us a favour, and if you think we’re beautiful tell us. But be warned not to put the use of this word to bad use… If we catch on and you ruin the rep of this single redeeming term, your lives will be made a hell of a lot more difficult. And you’ll have no one to blame but yourselves.

When it comes to sexual activity, use Google.
I don’t know what it is about sex that has lead men to believe that it requires any less meticulous study than other concentration consuming activities. I mean, you wouldn’t attempt to overhaul a car’s engine without some form of study, or a clear grasp of what can and can’t be done, beforehand. So, why is it that a woman’s little motor receives anything less than this? Trust me, the ability to know what you’re doing down there is not an innate skill with which you’re all born, passed down from generation to generation. Do research. Turn to trusty Google, and without shame or fear, learn what it is women want. But do not consider watching porn to be suitable research – if you don’t this by now, it’s time you were told. The sexual activities that occur in porn are all highly- dramatised, non-realistic, and more-often-than-not-faked – especially when it comes to the orgasms.

Do not blame “that time of the month”.
Don’t do it. There is never a right time during which to tell any member of Planet Women that it must be her time of the month, thus succinctly explaining away why she’s behaving/feeling a certain way. You will not only p*ss us off to no end, but seriously jeopardize your potential to one day reproduce. Just don’t do it.

If she texts you, she likes you.
We’re women. We’ve ALL watched “He’s Just Not That Into You”. We know how it works. But if we’re taking the time to a) text you first, and b) do so despite your apparent lack of thumbs which renders you unable to reply within a time frame of several days due to your need to use your nose to type, well, we like you. And we hope that you like us, too.

Nothing we ever imagine will ever compare.
One of the things about being a woman, is that we think. A lot. We play out scenarios in our minds, of things we’d like/love/hate to happen. And if we’ve been texting you, and if we like you (described above) then we’ve definitely imagined your telling us that you like us, too. We’ve thought up several different ways in which we’d share our first kiss with you, and whenever we’re with you, we’re waiting for a cue that will signal the start of a journey into any one of these imagined scenes. However, as daydreamy and imaginative as we are, when a Women from our Planet likes a Man from yours, and he kisses her? Well, nothing she’s ever imagined or hoped for will compare. So there you have it, lads. The real thing – a.k.a. you – beats her notion of you, every time. Live up to this.

There are many things about the female species that seem to torture, taunt and terrorise the Men from Mars. A little logic, a little listening and you should be fine. If not, well, I tried. Over and out.