Find strength my friend… I know your heart is broken, and you’ve no will to mend it. But you have strength. You have it inside. You needed it to love at all, and to have loved so deeply that your heart is broken takes some of the greatest strength on Earth. We humans are not prone to easily giving away that which we have, least of all our hearts, hopes and dreams. To allow someone access to all that you are, and to give them the chance to be loved by you, took strength. So to mend, find strength, for you will need it over the next few weeks. The pain doesn’t last forever, although it seems it will. The tears, they dry. The lack of sleep will pass, too. And one day, and I promise this, one day it won’t hurt anymore. Speaking simplistically, pain is our body’s way of letting go, and whilst in the depth of it, it is unbearable – but you will survive. The best advice I was ever given, when in the depths of a broken heart, was this: focus on the small things. Allow yourself time, and focus on the small things; the simple things. At first, just getting out of bed is feat seemingly unconquerable. But each time you do so, do so with pride and a head held high. The broken heart within you dissolved your very bones and took from you every bit of strength and will you had. But you got up, today. And it wasn’t that bad. Then take two steps without falling back into the bed from which you just freed yourself, and congratulate yourself. A literal step when hurting, is as good as a metaphorical one, because in the end, we always wind up moving forward, though we may not know what it is we move towards. Then push for three steps, and then four, until one day you’re walking for miles without a single thought to it; each step a tiny testimony to the bravery with which you’ve faced the odds. The same happens with breathing. From the moment your heart is broken, focus on breathing. In and out. In and out. It’s seemingly the most simple thing we can accomplish as human beings, yet when your heart is broken, even this most simple of physiological functions can become impaired. So breathe. Allow yourself to focus on your breaths, even though they’re choked at times with tear and anger and pain from deep within. I know this pain, the one that holds you. It starts at your toes and curls its way around every organ in your body, sitting in your stomach like a pit of lava and clutching at your throat so that words, and breath, seem caught within you. But you’re still breathing. Despite the pain, you’re alive. And it’s this to which you need to cling. Accomplish these seemingly tiny victories without pain, and they’ll become the footholds of stability on your path towards recovery. I know it seems impossible now, but one day the same will happen with loving. Do not rush into it. Allow yourself to grieve. You have lost greatly, and all great losses require great lengths of time for recovery. But you WILL recover. And one day, just as easily as you learnt to walk and breath without pain, you will love without pain, too. And when you look back on all of this, and the person who put you into this painful place, take a moment and thank them, for showing you just how strong you can truly be. For survival of a broken heart is a skill we are not taught, until we’re in the depths of it. Send your past lover gratitude and well wishes, and let them go. Allow them to drift into your past once more, as you take those steps forward, breathing deeply, and moving ever closer towards love.
Learning who someone really is, can be both the best and worst lesson we have to undertake. Throughout the course of my life, I’ve had the honour – and the heartbreak – of having to relearn this lesson in its many shapes and forms. These lessons have shaped the course of my life, and it’s with bittersweet memories that I’m able to recount its contribution to my life.
I’ve lost many friends to the various in’s and out’s of life’s path. The most recent being the most difficult since his reason for the friendship ending left much to be desired. That being said, his reason was none. That I knew at least. I’d SMS, call, even Facebook chat towards the end, but alas – he wished me a nice life and so I resolve to live it. He was not the friend I believed him to be, not by a long shot. For no friend could punish a friend in the way he has punished me, nor turn any and all care and good done between them into nothing but anger and bitterness. I wish him all the best, but will never be his friend again. And that’s sad. Letting go of friends such as these, special, wonderful, dear friends is hard – most of all when there’s no feasible reason for it – but if there’s one thing I’ve learnt it’s that you can’t MAKE someone love you, or want to be in your life. And if someone wants out, you can’t stop them – well, without resorting to kidnapping that is 😉 a little humour always lightens such topics I find.
Now for the flip side. How is this tumultuous tutoring of people’s real sides ever one of the best things to happen? Well, when you’re left more than a little pleasantly surprised. And this happened with none other than my darling lover. The man with whom I’ve been the happiest woman alive for the past three months. Upon first meeting him, there was no electric connections or love at first sight. I found him abrasive and abrupt. Imagine my surprise then when one intoxicated night spent at the Bohemian allowed me to finally experience those long-over-due butterflies, goosebumps and beaming smiles. Finally getting to know the real him has allowed me to get to know one of the best human beings I’ve ever met, and whose existence brings me happiness each and every single day!
So, to end, I say – may the pleasant surprises be many, and the unpleasant ones few and far between. But for every sadness remember that it’s there to purely make you truly appreciate the happiness when it does come. And I promise you. It will come.
2. All these years, I’d been complaining about men and their mixed messages. Now I saw they weren’t mixed messages at all, I was the one that was mixed up.
3. Knowledge is power and more importantly, knowledge saves time.
4. We are all beautiful, smart, funny women and we shouldn’t be wasting our time figuring out why a guy isn’t calling us.
5. We’re taught in life, we should try to look at the bright side, to be optimistic. Not in this case. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not the exception. It’s intoxicatingly liberating.
6. We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they’re behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, rather than one explanation that’s the truth: he’s just not that into me.
7. If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you and you feel the need to start “figuring him out”, please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then go free yourself and find the one that is.
8. Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted. And unless you do move on and find the right person, you’re not going to wish you had spent more time with Stinky the Time-Waster or Freddy Can’t-Remember-to-Call.
9. When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you and when it’s time to have sex, he’s more than overjoyed to oblige.
10. Men are not complicated. Although they’d like us to think they are…
11. If a dude isn’t calling you when he says he will, or making sure that you know he’s dating you, then you already have your answer. Stop making excuses for him. His actions are screaming the truth: He’s just not that into you!
12. You know you deserve to have a great relationship.
13. I know the guy you’re dating. He is a man made up entirely of excuses and the minute you stop making excuses for him…he will completely disappear from your life.
14. Are there men who are too busy or have been through something so horrible that it makes it hard for them to get involved? Yes. But there are so few of them that they should be considered urban legends.
15. A man would rather be trampled by elephants that are on fire than tell you that he’s just not that into you.
16. People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love. Big movies are made about it. Every relationship that you admire bursts with a greatness that you hope for in your life. And the more you value yourself, the more chances you have of getting it.
17. If a guy wants you, he will find you.
18. Guys don’t mind messing up a friendship if it could lead to sex, whether it be a “fuck buddy” situation or a meaningful romance.
19. If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know immediately. He won’t keep you guessing because he’ll want to make sure you don’t get frustrated and go away.
20. When men want you, they do the work, I know It sounds old school but when men like women, they ask them out.
21. Have faith. You made an impression. Leave it at that. If he likes you, he’ll still remember you after the tsunami, flood or Red Sox loss. If he doesn’t, he’s not worth the time.
22. Men for the most part, like to pursue women. They like knowing if they can catch us. They feel rewarded when they do, especially when the chase is a long one.
23. When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you’d like us to be.
24. If you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten…He’s just not that into you.
25. We don’t need to scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask us out. We’re fantastic.
26. If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
27. He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you, Men know how to use the phone.
28. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. This would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.
29. Oh sure, they say they’re busy. They say that they didn’t even have a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just THAT crazy. Bullshit. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you.
30. A man who likes you want to spend time with you. And he’ll only settle for talking to you on the phone 5x a day when he can’t possibly get on a plane to come see you.
31. Don’t you want the guy who’ll forget about all the other things in life before he forgets you?
32. You know a guy means it when they actually do what they said they were going to do.
33. Missing someone is a sign of a healthy relationship. Not respecting you need to have some for of communication with him while he is away is not. Regardless of his dislike for talking on the phone, he should respect and care for you enough to call you if only because he knows that it will make you happy.
34. Men are never too busy to get what they want.
35. Meeting someone you like and dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse.
36. The next incredible guy you meet with the really good excuse is just another guy who’s hurting your feelings.
37. A man has got to have his priorities.
38. If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind.
39. If he creates expectations for you and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize he’s ok with disappointing you.
40. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs.
41. Busy is another word for asshole. Asshole is another word for the guy you’re dating.
42. Men, just like women, want to feel emotionally protected when a relationship becomes serious. One way they do that is by laying claim to it. They actually want to say “I’m your boyfriend” or “I’d like to be your boyfriend”. A man who’s really into you is going to want you all to himself.
43. Is better than nothing what we’re going for now? Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time? Just because he’s busy doesn’t make him more valuable. Busy doesn’t mean better.
44. Its about the guy who wants you, calls you, makes you feel sexy and desired fully. He wants to see you more and more often because every time he sees you, he likes and then loves you more and more.
45. Every 2 weeks, once a month. Seeing someone, having a little love and affection may help you through the day, or the week or the month, but will it help you get through a lifetime?
46. Make this solemn vow about your future romantic relationships: No more murky. No more gray. No more unidentified. No more undeclared.
47. I don’t want to be “sort of dating” someone. I don’t want to be “Kind of hanging out” with someone. I don’t want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I’ll see again because they’ve already demonstrated to me that they’re trustworthy and honorable and…into me.
48. You know you are ultimately a delicate, valuable creature who should be careful and discerning about who gets your affection.
49. You can accept his excuses all you want but is this the relationship you want? Is this how you want to feel? Perhaps forever?
50. If you’re tempted to spend countless nights just cuddling with someone, buy a puppy.
51. Don’t let your desire to be loved and feel affection cloud your judgment.
52. He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you. Love cures commitment phobia.
53. Don’t give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you.
54. If you’re not able to love freely, it’s not really love.
55. No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.
56. A good relationship should not be lived in secrecy. Go find yourself one worth living out loud.
57. He’s a man who’s supposed to be emotionally available enough to talk to you, see you and perhaps fall madly in love with you
58. If he is really into you, he will get over his issues fast and make sure he doesn’t lose you. The minute he’s ready, he will run out and find you. You are not easily forgettable.
59. It feels really noble and romantic, to be filled with longing, heartache, knowing the man you love, for whatever reason, can’t be yours right now. And you’re willing to wait for him, because your feelings for him are so very large and profound. If you’re really comfortable with that, noting that this book or your friends or your therapist can say will help you change that. Eventually, I hope, like me, you just get tired of it.
60. Unless he’s all yours, he’s still hers.
61. There are cool, loving, SINGLE men in the world. Find one of them to go out with.
62. As yourself one question only: Is he making you happy?
63. He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family—especially when they’re great.
64. Remember, you are the catch. They are out to snare you.
65. The only way you can find out that there is something better out there is to first believe there’s something out there.
66. Freaks should remain in the circus. Not in your apartment.
67. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another.
68. Don’t let his personal complications confuse you into waiting around for him. If he’s not able to be really into you, then you deserve better.
Having found myself home, after what could easily be termed an “atrocious” audition, I found myself seated infront of the computer, and fired with the urge to write. Perhaps if acting wasn’t my true calling – as this ill-fated audition now lead me to believe – then it was off the stage; out of the theatre; and actually onto the page wherein my talents lay.
Undoubtedly, this resulted from the resounding sense of rejection I felt vibrating through my being. I found myself, however, not wondering at the nature of rejection, but rather wondering at how very similar it’s always felt, despite its context. Dating, I drew the conclusion, could be considered another form of audition – one in which more often than not, “don’t call me, I’ll call you” reverberates to absolutely no ovation, just the slinking away of your self esteem as it tries to leave the auditorium with some form of dignity intact.
So, wherein does the hope lie? Audition after audition, we thespians force ourselves into the routine of learning the lines; attempting to pre-empt the director’s vision; forcing ourselves to believe with every fibre of our being that we ARE what the play needs! We are Desdemona, Juliet, and Hermia! We are the actress that you’ve been looking for, stop the search now! But if there were no rejections, then where would be the marvel in seeing the truly talented actress stand on that stage and do with the role, what our imaginations lead us to believe that we could do. If there were no rejections, then where would be the talent, where would be the stars who stand out from generation to generation and whose every whim leave us in tears, in laughter, and most importantly of all, in love.
The same applies with dating. If there were no rejections, then why wouldn’t we all just settle down with the first man to ask us on a date, and live happily ever after? Because it doesn’t happen that way. Not every actress is made for every role ever written for a woman. We all have strengths, weaknesses, and blocks, which hinder and guide our trajectory on the bumpy path to (what we all hope) fame. Love is just the same. You’ve heard it before, you have to kiss a few frogs before you can land yourself a prince. And whilst yes, it’s the rejections that seem to stand out a lot more – leaving you feeling as though you’re walking around with a giant neon sign, screaming “I WAS JUST REJECTED” for all the world to see. But it’s nothing like that. We fall, because we have to learn how to pick ourselves up again. And only we can set ourselves free to truly let our stars shine…
I believe Paulo Coelho said it best when he stated that: “God uses fire to teach us about water. He uses earth so that we can understand the value of air. He uses death to show us the importance of life.”